(Once a lunar cycle or so, “Hoodwitch Horrorscopes,” divined by Bushwick’s own Jessie Peterson, extracts from the heavens priceless portents to guide you, Dear Reader, safely through the precarities of urban living…)

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Headstrong Aries, don’t rush into January! While the first half of the month will be clear in terms of love and relationships, you won’t experience as much freedom in the second half. However, there is a silver lining. You’ll find yourself socializing a lot this month to positive effect, while in the past you’ve might been a trailblazer, you’ll learn that with collaboration between partners and associates you’ll be able to support your interests and your objectives. Just remember to not overload yourself, and no eccentric or impulse buys! And remember your homeboy who bought that chicken at El Pollo Mas Bueno? No one wants to hang out with the guy who has a chicken for a pet.

JesusTaurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Stubborn Taurus, this month is going to be frustrating and will demand all of your strength to be diplomatic both in your personal and professional life. You’ll find yourself wanting to start fights with your boss at work, but it’s important to exercise prudence, and instead try registering with your sweetie at NYC Social Sports Club. Joining a soccer or dodgeball league will not only help you from seeing red, but will also help you burn off all that negative energy. Above all, don’t forget your sense of humor this month. Show them that you’re more like Ferdinand than the bull-headed brute.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hey Gemini, this is going to be a huge month for you when it comes to matters of the heart. Everything that’s related to relationships will be incredibly significant and important, more than you already think it is, and as a result you’ll find yourself over-analyzing every single e-mail and text message, more than usual. Thankfully, at the end of the month you’ll have some clarification, but you still might want to put your two heads together on this. This is also going to be a month where you might want to re-evalute your career. Having a job that’s only allowed you to survive, and not thrive can be frustrating — especially when you’ve been forced to set aside your talents and dreams in order to make ends meet. It’s time to start thinking about what it is that you want, in all facets of your life. Get organized, Gemini, and buy a planner.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If you’ve been single Cancer, this is the month to start looking for that ideal partner. Not only are you starting out with a brand new year, but your planets are aligned in a way that is seriously adjusting your attitude for the better: you’ve been finding yourself more willing to adapt, able to look at the brighter side of things, and dare I say it, less crabby. And while that’s great, don’t fall so head over heels that you’ve let your purse strings go. Practice prudence when it comes to spending.

UmbrellaLeo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Let’s be honest, things are going to be a mixed month for you. You’re going to find yourself in dramatic situations that are going to be difficult-to-solve, both at home and at work. However, it’s important that you leave yourself open to the possibility of new relationships, Leo. If a partnership goes sour, or you find your tolerance of your coworkers diminishing, it’s important to remember that people are aware of your accomplishments even if they don’t vocalize them. It also wouldn’t hurt if you treated yourself to a “sick day” at day spa once in a while.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
Love love love, there are no fewer than four planets swirling around your house of love this month, leaving you with opportunities for flirting, romance and adventure. And who said Virgo was a virgin? The end of this month seems especially opportune if you’re looking for something along the lines of the more official and long-term variety. However, don’t let your newfound sentimentality interfere with your work. There’s a reason why it’s called Spring Fever and not January-fever. Speaking of which, be sure to keep yourself bundled up, Virgo, while you might be thawing out from all of the love that you’re giving and receiving this month, you’re still prone to catching a cold!

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
All signs point to travel this month Libra, whether it is a long-distance relationship, a road-trip, a business trip in a far off location, running a few miles at the gym, or even taking some laps around the ice-skating rank. This sense of restlessness might upset you, ever-balanced Libra, but sometimes it’s OK to let yourself go with the unpredictability that life is throwing at you. Learning to look at things from another perspective, and crossing new horizons will not only bring a newfound sense of maturity into your life, but it’ll also keep you in mental and physical shape.

FowlScorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
This is gonna be a good month for you to get your life into gear, Scorpio. You’re gonna enter the new year with your head on straight, and trust me, this is the best time to decide what you want out of 2013. Plan budgets, arrange meetings, and negotiate for that raise. Don’t forget to take care of yourself both physically and mentally while you’re working on that grind; now’s the time to get that yearly checkup and set an appointment with a dentist. How are others gonna feel your sting, if you got a messed up grill?

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Money, specifically cash flow and whether or not it’s flowing in and out of your bank account, will be your main priority this month Sagittarius. You’re going to be presented with more chances to spend and/or invest, and based on what you chose, you’ll find yourself not only with financial tension but opportunities. It’s going to pay to keep yourself informed. More importantly, information and the deciphering and dissemination of it are going to be your biggest tools this month.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Romantically, things are looking good for you this month Capricorn, but as always they’re going to be tinged by cool rationality and your natural selectiveness. If you manage to ease up and open yourself up without self-censoring you’re going to find yourself not only open to the possibility of love, but also capable of attracting it. This is great. As you’re going to find things stressing you out, and you’ll need that strength to overcome them particularly finances this month. Whether it be payments that aren’t made on time, or unexpected expenses, this month is going to be one that you’re going to have to fight for future professional success. You’re gonna need to find a way to distinguish yourself and stand out, and maybe switch career paths if you’re finding yourself in a rut, and not in a place that you had intended to be.

ArtistFacialHairAquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Discretion’s gonnna be your keyword for this month, Waterbearer, whether it be the relationship that you’re keeping on the down low, or the cloak and dagger business procedures that you’re finding yourself dealing with at work. In this case, it’s preferable that you throw yourself into otherwise difficult tasks as that will keep you grounded, and on your guard. It’s when you slip off task and your impulsive nature takes over is when you’ll find yourself on thin ice. Be sure watch out for accidents and injuries this month, Aquarius, as you’re gonna have to keep your wits about this January.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Lucky you, Pisces. You’re going to be swimming in calm waters this month, surrounded by friends and supporters. You’ll have to chance to realize your dreams, and will meet new people through your friends that will help collaborate with you on projects, and potentially meet a new partner at either at one of the many parties, shows or openings that you’re going to this month.


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