Last week I did a comparison between your varieties of public transportation in the neighborhood. They’re easy to compare since they all cost the same and they’re all grimy as hell. This week, let’s compare the bodegas and health food stores.
With bodegas and health food stores though, it’s different. I’d say these two are like apples and oranges–they’re both fruit. Bodegas are the oranges. You always get one in your Xmas stocking as a kid even though you didn’t ask for it, but you eat it anyway and it’s still pretty good. I guess that would make the natural food stores apples, since you take the gal/guy you’re trying to get with apple picking upstate. That and you never see folks selling bags of apples on the side of the highway.
But just because by definition the health food store is bourgie doesn’t make it better. There’s pitfalls and perks of both.
The Bodega — AKA The Corner Store, AKA Arab Store AKA Papi Store AKA Corner Deli — Essentials for Your Mental
First of all, let me start off by saying that if you’re in a bodega that’s selling Love Roses you’re either currently in Morris Heights or Atlantic City or else Marty McFly took you back 15 years in the Delorean. That said, the bodega is where you go for your essentials: a Bag of Utz, tall boys, quarter waters, Dutches, smokes, Tropical Fantasy, microwave cheeseburgers and three dollar sandwiches. If Papi trusts you and you’re at the right place, you could get loosies or cheap packs. 
But I don’t blow up spots, so do your own research.
One thing I forgot to mention was coffee. You all love listicles (mine hang nicely) so here are the likely reasons you get coffee at the bodega instead of the gourmet place:
1. You’re broke, cheap or both.
2. You’re “no longer welcome” there.
3. The new European owners disrespected their employee in front of you and let their kids run wild. (True story.)
4 .You’ve lived in the neighborhood more than 7 years.
If I don’t mention it, somebody’s going to call me out, so let me also add this: bodega cats. In any natural food store late at night you might see some girl with a little dog in her bag buying Framboise for $20 a bottle. I refer to these as “Live Accessories” because essentially that’s what you’re using them for when you bring them into a bar or a store. The bodega though, has their own cats who run in and out of the store but never stray more than a block, knowing their owner and everyone else will put food out.
Also don’t even think of asking for credit, as the dude behind the counter probably thinks you’re moving to Greenpoint next week once the money from your folks hits your account.
In the Land of Organic Milk and Honey
For those of us who’ve been here a little while, at first it was Brooklyn Natural. Everyone complained about price gouging, but went in anyway because once you leave Kings County at 2am, it’s just too easy. Of course that was when DJ Khaled was still just a producer.
Then Khim’s came west by the Bushwick PJ’s and then Hana on Wyckoff. In three years when there’s a bus tour of the hood, they’ll be able to kill two birds with one stone by showing the French where they filmed part of an episode of “Girls” and then letting them take a shopping break at Hana while the tour guide downs a few shots in Mazelle’s. There’s a few more places around there now, including one spot on Flushing that’s new. If you’re doing your regular shopping at any of these places, you’re obviously too lazy to walk to the C Town or else you have too much money and should give some to me.
That said, sometimes you gotta spoil yourself with something fancypants like a Kombucha with the extra alcohol or a vegan wrap thingy and sometimes you have to suck it up and get some food in your stomach at any cost. I worked as a cartboy and janitor in high school for a gourmet grocery store, so be nice to the guys working there. Stay away from the prepackaged refrigerated meals though. I’ve had guns in my mouth that tasted better.
Conclusion
This one’s easier to wrap up than a burrito. Out of the two, the regular grocery store wins, especially C Town and Key Food. The frozen food section of any of the natural food stores is cool because at 2 am you see guys standing in front of it staring with drool dropping to the floor because they’re so lifted and sooner or later the bodega guy will stop talking shit about you to his friend when you go there long enough. Just don’t let yourself get ripped off at either spot.
NOTES
I walked past Maria Hernandez a month ago and saw someone with a big anarchy banner for OWS and thought “Of course, anarchy is exactly what New York City needs.” I heard they were doing drum circles and parkour in the park this summer, which is kinda like playing that game when you were a kid where you jump from the couch to the armchair because the floor is all lava, until your mom came in and threatened to use the chancla, or a penny loafer if your mom was Irish like mine. Next year there’ll be larping in the park.
Presentation Party celebrated their second anniversary last week at The Loom and I was fortunate enough to be able to do another one (Here’s video of my presentation from last year.) I haven’t had that much fun at that place since they first opened up with a BYOB party a few years back and dudes started throwing punches until NYFD shut it down. Congrats and props to the PPN folks and thanks to the Loom for hosting.
The Catholic Church up the street from me is missing a note in their hourly bells and it’s annoying as hell. (See what I did there?) Somebody should set up a Kickstarter for it instead of funding your tall bike art project made out of Coors Banquet cans. Or a blog, for that matter. My Kickstarter is for a restaurant in a chicken coop that only serves Olde English, Hawaiian Punch (combined) and Taylor Ham sandwiches, so give to that first. Finally, I heard across the East River, a bartender at Culturefix last week got fed up and taught a Brooklyn “impressario” a new sport at a literary reading- Sock-her.
See you all next week, I’ll be spending the rest of August on a beach in Jamaica with Lena Dunham. Try to get through Labor Day weekend without Instagramming yourself. We know what you look like.–E. Nelson
